Things you should never do in a mythical world
by AnnabelleLee13194
Summary: Basically, things one should never do in a mythical world. Or stuff that I wonder "what would happen if..." and so on. Crack!fic, I think? Not beta'd- because y'all hate me, and probably OOC. But dude- if it wasn't it wouldn't be funny.


A/N: Whenever I think of a funny one shot… here it goes. (By the way- I am SO ignoring Jacob splitting the pack. Why? Because I am the author and I HAVE THE POWA!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

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**Why you shouldn't mess with Tiny Dogs….**

One day the pack had been called for their daily meeting in the center of the La Push forest. Sam (as the big, scary leader) was at the front of the tiny clearing, now jam packed with hot, wolf people. The air was filled with pleasant chatting and the occasional growl as the wolves waited for their leader to begin the meeting so that each could continue with their day.

The single wolves (Collin, Leah, Brady, and Embry) were all looking forward to their next meal- or being a bitch just to annoy the hell out of everyone (in Leah's case). Quil couldn't wait to get back to his little 'Clairey-kins' and find out if she had pooped for the day…. That and he was tired of Seth making suggestive comments about him and Claire imprinting (such as "damn, I _know_ you wanna that booty- and by that I mean booties!' or 'Damn, did you see Claire in that diaper- oh, it just hugs _all_ that delicious baby fat' and so on.). Jacob couldn't wait to get back to Renesme and try to make out- which was very hard (considering her dad could read minds) and very weird (because she had technically only been alive for 5 years). All in all he doubted he would ever get past first base. The thought caused him to sulk gloomily and an ominous cloud to spread across his aura. Jared was excited to get home and see _what exactly_ Kim could do with an egg whisk…

And then there was Paul.

Today, Paul was especially pissed off (that is to say, more so than usual). To start the day, Paul had spent the night with Rachel and forgot to leave early that morning. Needless to say, Jacob found out and royally kicked his ass… after royally kicking him out. Then, he was greeted at home by Jared and Kim doing the nasty in a position involving kitchen utensils. It was the most horrifying thing he had ever seen (which was saying something considering he had ripped apart at least a dozen newborns). So, in short Paul was a very cranky werewolf. And now he was surrounded by happy werewolves, waiting for his happy leader to start his happy meeting in the happy sunshine. Did I mention everyone was happy- and Paul was VERY cranky?....good- just making sure.

Sam, now sure of what he wanted to say (and out of his daydream of Emily dressed up like cat woman) decided that he felt like speaking. "Hello everyone- now **shut up.**" There was immediate silence at Sam's command. "Today, I'll make it brief. The borders have been quiet so far- and as such only two will go on patrol once every four hours. The order of patrol will remain the same and- _**WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?**_" At Sam's exclamation, the wolves all crouched low ready to transform in the face of this new threat.

The horrible menace that had appeared from the bushes at the end of the clearing yipped fiercely…. If you considered a tiny, fluff ball of white with a tiny pink bow on its head a menace…

After the pack had calmed from their hysterical laughter, they all looked questionably at their "mighty leader". Leah (ever eager to fuck with Sam) decided to begin with the teasing. "Oh fearless leader, what shall we do about the fluffy menace?" Seth butted in "Yeah, that thing is so scary! It may kill us all!" Collin decided to add his own two cents "Yeah! Kill us all!".

The clearing was immediately silent.

"…Collin- what the hell man?" Brady said flabbergasted. "Seriously dude? What the hell is wrong with you? You just killed the moment, and while it was just getting goo-" This time Brady was interrupted by the sound of furious snarling/yipping coming from just next to him. The pack turned in unison. There stood Paul, hovering at almost seven feet tall, and ripped like nobody's business growling at something that couldn't have weighed more than three pounds. This time Jared spoke up. "Paul, man….what the fuck are you doing?" Paul didn't look up. "This fucking dog looked at me funny! Better manage its attitude before it gets an ass whooping…" The young wolves snorted. Jared, however, was afraid for the tiny dog's life. "Paul…please step AWAY from the Chihuahua before someone gets hurt…" It was too late. The poor unsuspecting dog had tried to nip at Paul.

In a movement to fast for anyone to stop, Paul grabbed the dog like a football, screamed "blue twenty two- HIKE!" and drop kicked the pooch into next week with a resounding "**YIPE**". The pack looked at him in stunned silence. To everyone's surprise, Leah spoke up on the tiny dog's behalf. "Paul! What the fuck did you just do?!" Paul shrugged innocently, now feeling better after hitting the evil ankle biter. "I do believe I just drop kicked a small rodent out of the forest." Leah's eye twitched. "I can't believe you did that to that tiny, harmless do-" Her sentence was abruptly cut off when the earth began shaking and trees started tipping over.

Above the trees a huge white dog, with glowing red eyes and a pink bow on its head rose fifty feet in the air, towering above the trees. "**RAWR!!!"**

Paul grinned smugly at the awe struck faces in the pack. "What exactly were you saying about a quote tiny, harmless, dog unquote?" In his smug revelry, Paul never noticed the dog zeroing in on him and snickering evilly before lowering its giant butt hole to right above his head. In fact, he didn't notice anything until Sam screamed "Paul lookout!" Causing Paul to look at the hole guarding the sun. And by then it was too late. He only had time to say one thing before sweet, smelly justice rained down upon him- "Oh. Shit."

No truer words have ever been said….

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Tell me how you liked it and give me ideas! I'm pretty much open for anything, even the disgusting stuff…as long as it's funny.


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